Woman: Help! Someone stole my purse.
Captain Power: Fear not, citizen! For I am Captain Pow-
Girlfriend: Oh my GOD! You DID NOT just hit on someone in front of me!
CP: Chill babe...I'm just doing my job.
GF: Why do you want to help her anyway? Do you think she's pretty?
CP: No, of course not.
GF: Yeah, REAL convincing.
CP: Come on, don't be mad. Please, babe?
GF: You always do this, Joe. You KNOW I've been totally stressing out about not having an outfit for Saturday.
W: He's getting away!
GF: *cough* SLUT *cough*
W: Please! Help me!
CP: He's almost out of sight. But if I use my super speed I ca-
GF: *sigh*
CP: What's that about?
GF: Nothing.
CP: Are you pissed? You look like you're pissed.
GF: I'm fine. Keep Reading Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Brian Murphy

187 likes

It's summertime! Time for lazy afternoons by the pool, awkward reunions with high school friends, parents desperately trying to reinstate curfews, and best of all, your complete and utter failure at correctly applying sunscreen. That's right, time for the CollegeHumor Worst Sunburn Contest.  The sun hates us all, and we want to see just how much it hates you. Send us your worst, most irregular, most painfully blistering sunburns of the summer, and you could win $50, $100 or even $150. We'll accept submissions through August 22nd, so try and make the most of your inability to put on jeans and enter now!Each of those pustules could be worth $75 bucks! View Article Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Sarah Schneider  from Wake Forest

22 likes

Keep Reading Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Josh Taylor  from Georgetown

273 likes

June 26th 2008

What a glorious morning! This earth was made for battle, not only because of its perfectly symmetrical black and white squares! Ah, to be the unit directly in front of the King himself! Oh, mother would be so proud!

June 27th 2008

The battle commenced today, and guess who was the first unit off? You guessed it! Mother would be so proud of my two square hop, why, I could rival the knight himself! I wonder how the enemy will react to such a bold move?

June 28th 2008

So, this enemy isn't to be underestimated! They discovered one of my weak spots. As we speak a rival pawn is standing right in front of me, glaring down at me as I write. So I'm stuck here until the bastard moves, or is killed.

Keep Reading Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Adam S.

127 likes

View Article Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Caldwell and Doug

131 likes

The best 5 dollars you can spend. Because you won't.I was in the hospital and I heard from one of the rooms, "Don't worry everyone, I'm gonna beat this thing." Which I thought was a really positive thing to say, until I realized it came from the maternity ward.-Conor McKeonHow do people call Batman for help during the day? If I lived in Gotham, I'd just rob banks after lunch.-Dom TetroMIT Stupid Question Hall Of FameProfessor: No compact Hausdorff space and no complete metric space is both countable and perfect.
Euler: Wait, could this be used to show their are no odd perfect numbers?-Matt SartwellSpiritual Guide of the DayLive life as a dog would. If you cant eat it or hump it, piss on it and walk away.-Carlos SantaMariaOne major advantage to being in a coma? Free beard.-Ed BerkleyThe Boys and Girls Club would be much creepier if it was a fan club. Or a weapon.-Patrick CasselsOrphans don't have it so bad; they have it really bad.-Streeter SeidellCould whoever is giving homeless people markers please stop? Their signs are really bumming me out.-Jeff RubinThe BreakupMy ex-girlfriend always had a soft spot for my roommate. Unfortunately it was her vagina.-Tom SunnergrenClick here to submit your own 105%. View Article Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by 105%-o-matic  from Bucks County Community College

68 likes

RULES: Submit your one best caption entry as a comment. A COMMENT. No replies. No retries. Winner gets a BustedTee. Keep reading to vote on last week's best captions...
Keep Reading Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Susanna Wolff  from Columbia

19 likes

Aging Rock Star:


Keep Reading Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Emily Rose  from Ohio Wesleyan

137 likes

God: Adam, might I speak with thou for a moment?
Adam: Yes my Lord?
God: It seems that fruit is missing from my tree.
Adam: Indeed my Lord! Eve tasted from the tree earlier this morning!
God: ...What did thou say?
Adam: My blessed Eve, she ate from the tree.
God: Oh...OK. Adam, have thou not learned of My rules for living together in My Garden of Eden?
Adam: But what do You mean my Lord?! How have I forsaken You?
God: My child, it was not so much thou as it was thy woman. I am starting to believe that creating her may not have been the wisest of choices. 
Adam: But my Lord! Eve assured me that it would be fine to eat from the tree! !slice
God: Have I not clearly labeled what is Mine and what is yours? Did I not time and time again insist that she respect my belongings? Doest thou see me taking things from her? Doest thou?!  Plus, it seems as though she never leaves!
Adam: My Lord forgive her, she know not what she do!
God: Oh you pitiful man! Eve knows exactly what she does! Thy "blessed" Eve continues to displease me, Adam. Thou shalt teach thy woman some respect, or else I shalt burden her with the pains of labor!
Adam: No, Lord! Please forgive us!
God: I do not know how I can forgive thou, Adam. thou hast broken my golden rule.
Adam: I know my Lord. I am so sorry for not treating thou the way I would like to be treated!
God: No, Adam.  "Gods before broads."  I shall mail you your share of the security deposit whence I move out. 

View Article Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Tanner Boyd  from Mizzou

80 likes

Keep Reading Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Jimmy Craig  from Emmanuel College

200 likes

View Article Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Caldwell Tanner

107 likes

Do your parents notunderstand technology? Do they ask you stupid questions? Do they sendyou absurd text messages? Do they use words like "MyFace," "SpaceBook," or "The World Wide Web?"
If you've got an example of your Parents Just Don't Understanding, submit it here.
And thank God we'll never be as dumb as they are!
Your parents' routers.
Last summer my dad told my brother, sister, and me that he had "pimped" the cable and the guys were coming the next day. We thought we were getting extra channels. It turned out that my dad thought "pimp" meant something bad because all the cars on Pimp My Ride were run down and he had actually broken the cable instead.
From Rebecca

When my mom uses googlechat, instead of typing in the chat box she types her response in the 'custom message/status update' box. Right now hers says "How was your exam?"
From Claire
Keep Reading Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Susanna Wolff  from Columbia

85 likes

Employee: Welcome to Taco Bell, how may I help you?

Customer: Uh, hi. Um, I'm sorry, just give me a second, it's my first time here.

Employee: Take your time, sir.

Customer: Ok, I heard your Chalupas are good, what exactly is that?

Employee: Well, it's just like a taco, but instead of a tortilla it comes in a deep-fried flatbread.

Customer: How about a Gordita?

Employee: It's pretty much a pita bread taco.

Customer: Ok, um what sides come with the value meal?

Employee: You get your choice of either a soft or hard shell taco.

Customer: Really?

Employee: Yes, sir. Keep Reading Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by aaron hertzog  from Temple

97 likes

More Cyanide and Happiness at Explosm.net
View Article Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Cyanide & Happiness

200 likes

Wall-E was great, everybody can agree. But was it a kids' movie? Did children understand the adult themes? We took kids away from their parents (by subtly changing the hands they were holding) as they left the theater to see what the youth of America think of Pixar's latest film.

"My favorite part is when everybody got to ride around on floating chairs and it was so cool and so much better than regular chairs."
-- Martin, Age 10

"I hate everything about earth! Even that little plant. I wanna live on a space ship!"
-- Kaylee Age 7
!slice
"If I don't throw my trash away like mom says it means Wall-E is gonna come clean it up."
-- Teyisha, Age 9

"I wanna plant a pizza tree!"
-- Yolaro, Age 10

"Wall E thinks earth is just as boring as I do. And I wanna go to space and have fun and drink cupcakes too!"
-- Yung-Tze, Age 8

"Big stores should be President so that we can all go on vacation and play in pools forever."
-- Rohmar, Age 12

"I found the Chaplin-esque first act to be a visually arresting introduction to the protagonist, but felt that the film lost its voice during the rising action leading into the second act. The environmental message was forced -- a heavy-handed theme slapped onto a thin, derivative narrative frame. Are we to enjoy a preachy Wal-Mart allegory masquerading as "entertainment"? Another potential-laden flop from those homogenized "imagineers" at Pixaren't-all-they're-cracked-up-to-be."
-- Maxdine, Age 4

"...and I'm not gonna stop throwing trash on the floor until Wall-E comes!"
-- Also Teyisha, Still Age 9.

(Written with Dan Gurewitch, Age 24) View Article Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Amir Blumenfeld  from UC Berkeley

72 likes

His cute level is over 9000After a lot of serious thought and scenario consideration, I've decided that the following happened: About 2 years ago, the most powerful people at Pixar sat down at a secret conference table, naturally located 20 miles below the earth's surface, and said "Gentlemen, we've done some good work, but we need to make the end all be all cutest character in the history of animation." Wouldn't ya know it? They succeeded.

Pixar is a movie making juggernaut. Whatever visual MSG they've been putting in their films these past few years has paid off in ways that are probably surprising even to them. It's hard to think that the people responsible for such classics, including probably the greatest animated film of all time, Finding Nemo, can continue making great movies year after year without even breaking a sweat, but they do.

When I first saw the trailers for Wall-E, it looked so damned sugary and cute I thought I'd slip into a diabetic coma halfway through. The movie looked good, but I was nervous it would be too cute...Don't get me wrong, I like cuddling and all that cutesy crap just as much as the next guy, but I half expected to be eating fist-fulls of salt in the theater just to balance out the sweet overload. Thankfully that wasn't the case, and I can say without a doubt that this movie is just plain awesome.

Keep Reading Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Scott Bennett  from Hofstra

42 likes

It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds to our new submission page!

This summer semester has been hellish not because of calculus, but because of the boneheads across the hall who insist on blaring their rap sh*t into the night and waking me up with it at 5am since sound carries all too well in this hall. Well I got sick of them always slamming their door at 5am and playing the music, so at about 3 in the morning, I snuck up to their door with a 50 count box of those little pull firecrackers. The ones where you pull the two strings and they explode in the middle. I made sure they were the ones with extra long strings. So I set to work with a tube of super glue and over the course of 25 minutes, glued one string to the door and one to the door frame for each of the poppers. I then went in my room and went back to studying for a test that day so sleep was irrelevant. Sure enough, at 5 am, I hear their music turn on, followed by almost all the poppers exploding at once. As an added bonus, there was a crash. Apparently he'd fallen and reached for something to grab, which had been the wire to their iPod dock with the built in speakers, successfully pulling it off the shelf and smashing it to bits. Now I sleep very well.

M., SIUC

My roomate was such a jackass, he would steal all my food and drinks and started stealing money from my piggybank, I started getting pissed. I knew that he was an alcoholic so I got a waxing kit and waited until he passed out in our room and then poured hot wax all down his hairy legs and left him the job to tear his leg hair out.
WP, Williams Keep Reading Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Jeff Rosenberg  from NYU

69 likes

Keep Reading Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by AmazingSuperPowers

77 likes

Keep Reading Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Jason Michaels  from University of Illinois

814 likes

Well, today marks the day that a digitally animated robot becomes the best actor in Hollywood. Let's see what the rest of these no talent clowns have been up to while a cartoon successfully out-acts them.

Matt Damon got hella fat! Well, just for a part, but still. He looks like a straight-up child molester. Related Tangent: how weird would it be if Matt Damon went by Matthew Damon instead? Matthew Damon and Benjamin Affleck. Weird, right? Just me? Cool. (WWTDD)

Speaking of Benjamin Affleck, it looks like there might be trouble in MarriageLand, USA for him and his wife, Jennifer Gardner. I'll give you one hint why - it starts with 'their daughter' and ends with 'looks like a gremlin.' Also, I can't help but compare this picture with this picture. (IDLYITW, WWTDD)

Amy Winehouse was diagnosed with the early stages of emphysema this week, which finally, FINALLY seemed to get through to her. Thank God. She waited until she was in the parking lot to light up instead of in the waiting room like she normally does. I'm just so damn proud of her. (Celebslam)

Keep Reading Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Sarah Schneider  from Wake Forest

28 likes